Home..

i hate to post this on a public forum.. and strangely it's hardly about Africa.
but in one way it still is.
have you ever had the feeling of just being completely vulnerable and secluded.. where any thing could happen, and you wouldn't have a clue what to do because nothing's familiar? how do you make any sort of decision in such an unfamiliar place?

i get this lurking feeling of emptiness every now and then lately.
maybe it's my need to keep pursuing God more.. but that gets so hard to do sometimes. i know it's definitely a factor - because HE is where my home is.. but God, i wish i had a home here.
i'm a person who needs comfort.. something consistent in my life. and God is that, He is. and I have Aaron, but it's incredible how insecure and unsure of every thing you can feel at times.

i'm still trusting and waiting for a job.. well, a full time job. i have no income, no security of school and i've made so many changes in my life in the past 7 months, let alone the past month, that I just feel like my heart's been splattered across Africa, Europe and North America. Even new zealand. it's this big flopping mess of emotions every where, and half the time I don't even realize it.. until this hurricane rushes in and I can't handle holding them from the whirlwinds.

I've realized how often I can be incredibly selfish. how incredibly human I am.
How I stood there with my best friend, aching over her pain, realizing how little I had been there. How little I had put her heart in His, trusting He can move mountains.
How I can cry at my own stress and pain, and forget the eyes of the 11 month old that had so much more scarring before her first year of life than I've known in my 20 years.
but how He rescued her.. He rescued her from the abandonment and the curse over her life.
He rescues the fatherless, the widow and the alien.
and I am no different. I have been a stranger in many places over the past 7 months, and He has held me closely. He has let me rest at the foot of His robe, and gently placed exquisite flowers in my hair. and He's still holding me in this foreign place.
I KNOW He cares deeply about the detail.. but it's still the detail that I feel so unsure of.

Mum & Dad.. I miss you deeply. You have been my wise advisors, friends, teachers, shepherds and so much more over the past twenty years.. and though I've left your arms, I'll always need and love you. I'm so proud of you.. for all that you're risking and going through in England.. for your stand to love & follow Christ to the ends of the earth. You have taught me more than anyone in this life and I.. I thank you. thank you for loving me.

Aaron, you are a comfort, you are a steady, familiar place to me. God knows I needed you. He won't leave me without a friend or companion. you have been one of the greatest comrades I could have ever known.. and I can't thank Him enough for you. there are no words for the joy you have brought to my life.. thank you.

I can't say enough of the friends who have stood by me, no matter where in the world I am.
You are the finest rubies.

I am not alone. I have a home.
I'll settle in here. I'll find work.
I'll get a career. I'll use my talents for You.
I trust You.
Thank God for the push to find security and trust in Him.. Father, You are all I need. I'm so sorry when I don't recognize that. You are my Creator, my Rock, my First Love, the Source of all Beauty.. You are everything. I'll keep reaching for Your hand, Abba...
------------

God will you make us a people that love You?
Please take our offerings that we set before You.
God hear our prayers that we're lifting up to You.
God see our tears.. that we're struggling to see through.
God, hear our prayers to You.

In our weakness, You remain.
When we're broken, You sustain.

Lord make our hearts true. Will You make our hearts true?
God hear our prayers as we lift them to heaven.
We're praying the angels receive and embrace them.
The hopes of the empty, the cries of the broken.
We're reaching our hands out, Oh Lord will You hold them?

- the glorious unseen.

re-entry

'You desire truth in my inward being, therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.'

-ps.51:6

There's little I can say now to explain what's gone through my mind the past month & a half. I feel awful that I didn't keep up with writing on here - especially with all that happened. Journaling got so hard to focus on, and every time I'd come on to post a blog, I'd get overwhelmed with things to say that I would just resort to not saying anything at all. For that, I'm really sorry.

That being said, I'm on my way back to Canada tomorrow.. I can't believe it's finally here!
I had it really easy compared to my other classmates - the rest had to go straight back to their regular lives and sort things out right away. That can be really hard with being in such a concentrated Christian environment for almost 6 months straight and being with the same people and being in this sort of bubble of accelerated growth. I know a couple of them felt so disconnected and unmotivated to talk to God or be involved in anything Christian really for a while - and I was really blessed to not have so much going on right away.

I'll be honest.. it was tough wanting to pursue my relationship with God the past little while.. but the thing is, I know things have gone on inside me & transformed that I never thought would - and I have this total paradigm shift of the way I view Him now.. this whole new understanding of grace that keeps expanding every day. And as I'm torn between pursuing my desires and pursuing my desires in HIM - He is being so patient and every so often I hear the gentle whisper.. "My Daughter, I love you.. I still want to use you." .. whenever I thought that I couldn't seem to hear His voice anymore. Don't lose heart if you feel like you've failed Him.. He's soo full of undeserved kindness that it's ridiculous really! No matter what, He's waiting with open arms and more love for you in every way possible. How can I not be in love with Him?

I miss my classmates a lot - especially you, Andrea. I can't tell all of you enough of what a blessing this one girl was to me. Andrea Mickler has been one of the best friends I could have ever asked for and has stretched me, pushed me, loved me and been there in ridiculous ways... and that - is worth more than any precious stone. During one of our lecture weeks, a woman told me that she felt that the Lord just really wanted to adorn me in precious stones & rubies.. and she gave me a beautiful jade bracelet from China to represent that gift. I began to realize that those stones & rubies were more than just material things or little joys here and there - they were what I'm created for - to be loved by and know other people. Those precious stones & rubies are His blessings in the disguise of relationships - and Dre, I believe that you're one of those rare & precious stones in my life. I'm honoured to have known you and I'm still here.. wherever our crazy dirt roads lead to... :) [I adore you!]

I'd go through all the others... how Susannah impacted my view on joy & faith - she's the most beautiful portrait of how real joy doesn't depend on circumstance - but she's joyful in EVERYTHING! seriously, it's insane! But it's so so beautiful. I learned so much from you zanna. You're going to be a world changer... I have no doubt. You have so much beauty to offer.
How Andy's wisdom & heart for justice impacted my view of Christ - there are few men after God's own heart... but Andy is definitely one of them. He'd open his mouth with just one sentence, and it'd have far more impact on my heart than a full speech. You know how God created everything with just one word? It's kind of like that. Simple. Powerful. His image.
How Hlengiwe (Nini) could sit for hours just singing to Jesus and cared so deeply about never hurting or upsetting anyone - she has a servant's heart.. and it's taken for granted all the time. She's the start of something new in Swaziland.. :)
and how Matt grew into this confident, ridiculous, gentle, funny leader. He's one of the sweetest & most considerate people on the planet.. he loves giving - something I'm terrible at. and he had a world of patience living with four girls and only one other guy for months.. what a guy. (you too andy!)

anyway.. that was my outreach team.. one incredible one. really. I can't even say how amazing my time was - how up and down, homesick, ill-sick and then beautiful moments there were. Malawi was definitely the warm heart of Africa - in heat & in people. Hammanskraal, South Africa was my favourite place altogether though.. we worked with the elderly (I got to be a nurse for a day! :) ), abandoned babies, crashes (like a daycare/preschool) & with the teachers at those, do a youth rally and go door-to-door. I saw people healed, I saw babies told that they wouldn't live 2 weeks or function like a normal child as 4 year olds and responding with vibrancy, I spoke on hurtful parts of my past that I'm now FREE from & see them affect another person's soul, I saw people find a relationship with Jesus and just beauty in the broken.

I spoke at my parents' church last night and one thing I realized.. is that you can go out with the intention of changing the world, but instead God changes you.
I hope it stays that way.. I hope every day I remember His grace and can't help but want to love Him.. and that by loving Him.. I'll be just that inch of Him that makes the difference.
:)

I'm going back home tomorrow....... and I can't wait to see everyone!
Thank you again for everyone who supported, prayed for & loved me through all of this.
If you still have the patience & will..... :) keep praying.. I'll be needing a job as soon as possible when I get home and I'm applying for school to go into Nursing at Conestoga or McMaster for the fall.

With all the things I could be worrying about, Aaron & I read a devotional yesterday that helped me put things back into perspective - leaving things in God's hands - it had a quote by Minnie Louise Haskins from a poem called "The Gate of the Year" - 1908:

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year
"Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown."
And he replied, "Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way!"

:) Keep holding his hand.

love,
His beauty in the making,

angelie beth. :)

Malawi: The Warm Heart of Africa

[Muli Bwanche]
...
'My eyes behold the glory of the Lord'

-- can i just say, that one of the things that reveals His glory the most, is the beauty of His creation?
the Malawian people are the most warm-hearted, welcoming, loving people i have yet to meet. they have so much to boast in, but they are so humble and kind. they give what they don't have, they love with the biggest hearts, and the smile wider than you'd ever believe. if you ever come to Africa, don't miss the Warm Heart of it.. because no doubt about it, they are some of the most beautiful and Christ-reflective people on the planet.
not only that, but the mountains, the sunsets, the stars, the silhouettes, the trees, the rivers, the LAKE.. are so breathtaking and unbelievable. God is so good.. I can't believe anything other than that.

this land is also, as I've labeled it.. Malawi: The Land of the Living Musical.
for my friends, COUGH - adrienne- this is a DREAM COME TRUE.
i dance & sing with them, and they love the 'Mzungu' dancing crazily in the centre and even leading songs with them. the kids follow us everywhere and sing as they run after us. it's amazing. i leave tomorrow, and i hate to go.

i can't write much because i have limited time and we take another 35 hour bus trip tomorrow morning to Pretoria, SA for the next two weeks. i've basically been doing a lot of preaching/teaching and visiting the sick and dancing with the Africans and LOVING IT. and the kids. can't forget the kids.

God's really been doing good things here and i've learned more every day.
I can't wait to really tell all that's happened and all that He's worked in me.
Thank you again for your prayers - only 5 weeks until i go to England to be with my parents & Aaron! sad, but it's becoming that time... i'm getting ready.. more than ready to be home again :)

Blessings & Love!

angelie :)

Jambulani Africa!

i'm here in malawi, just finishing my first week.
it's been amazing, and i'm sorry the update hasn't come sooner.
this will be short because of a bit of a time shortage though!

i finished two weeks at the Kruger park base doing construction work and kitchen work - lots of awesome physical labour! and the following week, we basically met a LOT of incredible people who really spoke into my life & blessed me mainly just because of God's love radiating in them. it spoke to me more than any words. we took care of their babies, so i basically had 15 1-2 yr olds to watch with a few others the whole week crying for their mummies. soo.. you can imagine the resounding cries i heard in my sleep that week! we tented it too, so i got used to the tent life and actually enjoyed it! thank God, He spoiled us and blessed us with MATTRESSES! how ridiculous is that? but God cares about the little things so much! i've learned that more and more throughout this trip.

we trucked it out to Johannesburg for one night and said goodbye to our base leaders and other staff and the people we'd befriended at Kruger. we stayed at Joseph Project - the YWAM base in Joburg, after a long trip from the bus station to the base because of the copious amounts of ridiculous driving skills in the city! my word. haha... enough said.

we were so grateful that they put us up there - really great arrangements! and the next day.....ventured on our 35 hour bus trip from Joburg to Blantyre, Malawi. WOO. that was an adventure! i got a $65 charge for a VISA just to drive through Zimbabwe on a bus....apparently Canadians suck. haha.. i don't know! and we have to pay it on the way back too, plus a fee in Mozambique too. our bus driver didn't like us from the start and was constantly reaming us out - yikes. we did have some awesome people on the bus that encouraged us though. i threw up twice as the trip started - no clue why. once an hour before leaving Joburg, and then again 3 hours into the trip. there were tons of complications with borders and the driver was worried we'd be stuck in Zimbabwe - which we really really didn't feel good about, but decided to go ahead anyway - and God honoured that. we made it!
we also had a ridiculously awesome 5-6 hour border cross entering Malawi. so we got to Blantyre at 9pm last Sunday, unsure of what we were doing this past week or where we'd stay. thankfully the orphanage decided to take us early and let us TEACH at the school all week!
wow! it was amazing. i got to be an english teacher and meet some incredible orphans here.
it's really rural and i got to meet some adorable village kids when i went on a walk too. i got some awesome videos that I can't wait to show you all!

we've been eating nsima & cabbage & beans all week with the orphans here.. so tonight a family here blessed us with an amazing african stew and dessert! like i said.. God cares about the little things - even what tastes good to us! this family - the Uys family, has been a huge blessing and if they ever read this - thank you thank you thank you. like i said, you are treasures. no doubt about it.
i'm excited to start work in Lilongwe tomorrow with the churches there for two weeks, then coming back here to live in a village for a week. then because of financial situations, we'll be going back to Joburg for a week, then Capetown for a week, then back to Swaziland for my last two weeks! Let me say how HAPPY i will be to be at rest in one place for more than two weeks eventually!
(mom & dad, i mean you!) happy thanksgiving to all you Canadians - sad i'm missing it! but i'm in africa - soo.. i can't complain. :)
Neabonga Nkulunkulu for YOU! (I thank God for you!)
God's good and i thank you so much for your prayers, support & blessings!
I love you & God's love be with you, always!

love,

angelie :)

Off to SA and Malawi!!!

today is one of the saddest days yet. lecture phase officially ended on thursday, and we leave for south africa and malawi tomorrow. yesterday was a day of "spring cleaning" - we packed up the entire base - all the mattresses, couches, chairs, tables, beds - just about everything. and scrubbed & swept our little hearts out!
it's hard fitting two months worth of necessities into one bag that has to be light enough to go on 2+ hour hikes with.
we did our weight test and took our massive bags on a hike almost to town on a wonderfully misty day. remind me to never do that with flip-flops on again!

just a heads up for those of you who haven't heard from me lately - if you saw the bits on the news about the riots and things in swaziland lately because of the King - it really hasn't been that bad. i've been completely safe and we stayed out of Mbabane during the upset the other week. I went to the 40/40 ceremonies and nothing happened - the bomb that was said to have gone off, from what i heard, was actually a banana stuck in an exhaust pipe that blew. so no worries, i am safe and well in Mbabane! :) thank you for your concern & prayers!

i have ADORED getting mail! i have now received 4 letters in the mail and one package! thank you to my cousin katie, my parents, elly trepanier & becky hepworth!! i am so blessed - they all came at perfect times when i really needed it. you guys have blessed me so deeply! (oh and Aaron Hamill... baha.. thankyou!! :) ) i''m always happy to get mail so don't stop :)

the last two or three weeks have been phenomenal times of learning - i can sum them up in three words: God is good.
i've learned tons about the Holy Spirit, HIV/AIDS & Spiritual warfare and benefitted from getting to know amazing speakers, battling out my own preconceived ideas & finding the back up for new ideas and realizing the state of Africa, and really just the state of HIV/AIDS here. i've never known much about the disease, and now i feel more prepared to help others understand the reality of it and love people affected/infected.
it's been solid, but i'm definitely ready for outreach. we've been poured into and received so much teaching and blessing, that i'm ready to just see how God can take the things he's taught me and use those to bless and love other people. we've been writing messages we'll be speaking at different churches or whatever comes up & i've had to rewrite my testimony in a new way and write actual teachings that'll be presented to larger groups of people. now, for those of you who went to grade school with me, you know my utter fear of public speaking. but surprisingly, when i spoke first to our own group (which normally makes me more nervous), i actually did it with confidence and said things that i hadn't even planned to talk about. i'm hoping this is a continued trend and that i'm able to speak with conviction and out of love with whatever God puts on my heart. that being said, i can't wait to see miracles and amazing things happen and just honestly, whatever He decides to dish out during these next two months.

i'll be sleeping in a tent at Kruger base in South Africa for the next two weeks and exciting for my 28 hour bus trip to Malawi after that!
we got our work duties for outreach this week, and i am excited to announce that...... i am the team NURSE! woohoo! haha.. really though, i was really excited to hear that, despite the large first aid kit i get to carry about. i also have chappies (gum) to give to the team whenever we have an emotional low or low of any kind to bring unity & cheer everyone up a bit. i'm in charge of recognizing that and trying to make everyone feel better - big responsibility :) i'm also a kitchen manager with matt - so i'll have to make sure the menus are made for the following week and we stay on budget for groceries, and i'm also on for worship with another staff member - Nini. i'm excited to say the least!

please continue to pray for my team's health, unity and that we'll have provision for our daily needs. my team is still in need for continued funds, and our budget for each person during outreach is about R15 - which is about $2.
thank you again for everyone's concern lately, for letters, for prayers and encouragement! i am so blessed! thank you thank you thank you ! :)

i'll write as soon as possible on outreach and give a better update. Nkulunkulu subusisi! (excuse my siswati for anyone who actually knows what that means) God bless you!

lots of love:

Sisi Busisiwe :)

one week till outreach

sanbonan & my apologies!

i forgot to type up a blog to post this week - so i'll type one up to post before we leave for outreach.

i'll need extra prayers this week :)  as we're leaving for Kruger, South Africa on Saturday for a conference for the next two weeks that we'll be helping at, then taking a bus from Kruger to Lilongwe, Malawi until the end of November!

we have a lot of packing up to do since the base won't be at the same building when we return from outreach.  along with drama prep, testimonies, messages and all sorts of things to prepare for.  thank you for those who are praying - and just a quick update on my financial status.  my outreach fees are paid off, but i am in need of general living expenses for the next two months.

if you'd like, you can send any blessing to my home address - 43 Peel St. Brantford, ON N3S 5L7 and my sister Alisa Gagne will deposit any cheques.  but if you'd like to deposit it directly to my account, my account number is 6345370 at branch 0341 - brantford fairview.

thank you for your prayers and your support - i wouldn't be here without you.

God's grace with you -  blessings & love,

angelie :)

undeserved kindness.

"Maturity as a Christian is about mastering the basics." - Jerry Bridges

If you haven't seen Les Miserables, you should. Almost everything that stood out to me this week about God's grace is summarized in that movie. It's easy to assume that to be a mature Christian you need to have all the stories and theological knowledge possible - that until you master the history, dynamics and depth of the Bible or of God - you aren't very spiritually mature.
Just as I'm beginning to dive into and understand the undeserved kindness that my Maker has shown me, it gave me a new paradigm on the way I view my relationship with Him and why giving that same undeserved kindness or generosity is so worth it - just because understanding His grace should make me really want to give back to Him. And that I don't have to prove myself to him, but that the story is not people coming to God, but God pursuing people.

I really hope this isn't just a lightly affecting kind of realization - but that I'm amazed and reminded to the point that there's a real change in the way I show kindness and the importance of giving. It's a lifetime process, but every fibre in my being should dare to make that same grace a reality and reflection of Jesus in my own life. The response to grace should be a life of gratitude, right?

Let's just say that the more that we understand grace - the basics of following Him - that's where maturity is, and that takes a lifetime.

We did our outreach at a hospital this past Friday, and originally we were just going to be picking up trash around the hospital (which was freaky at first - we didn't have gloves right away and there were used syringes & gauze all over the ground! we got gloves after a little.) - we ended up going to the children's ward. First we went to the abandoned children's ward - and as soon as I walked in, a little girl hugged me twice and then grabbed my hand. Most of the kids in there have mental disability. I picked up a baby boy whose name was Mufothu (I'm not sure on the spelling though!).. he thrived on even being paid any attention to or being held. He started to cry when I put him back down.. man. I can't tell you how much I wanted to take him with me. That'll be the story of my life during outreach. We'll be going to at least two or three different orphanages and spending weeks there. It's going to be really emotionally taxing.

We then went to three different rooms with sick kids and I had the opportunity to pray for a few and talk to different bomake (mums) and found another little girl named Tengetile! I told her about my little girl at the first orphanage we went to.. :)
Being there just further confirmed my heart for kids & orphans & babies! aand for nursing of course.. :) We were told to go to the maternity ward and see a European baby that had just been abandoned there. We didn't have time go unfortunately.. but this happens all the time here.

After that, we got our yellow fever shots for going to Malawi in a few weeks! (did i mention that outreach is just three weeks away? AH!) I was a little scared, and I'm normally good with needles! We had to convince one of my teammates to get hers between her tears of fear.

The week approaching we'll have around 24 people in the house! 10 extra people to cook for, clean for & share a washroom with :P It'll be an exciting week with really phenomenal speakers.. but really different for us at the base. The topic is on the Holy Spirit, then next week is on HIV/AIDS (the one i've been waiting for!) and the following week on Spiritual Warfare. Then......OUTREACH! We'll head to South Africa for two weeks at that point, then straight to Lilongwe, Malawi and most likely starting at a rural orphanage where the temperature gets up to 40-50ø!

The biggest need for my team right now is 1) Continued prayer for safety of the base - especially this weekend with all of our staff gone to South Africa for a small conference. 2) Prayer for health - it's been a continuous cycle of everyone being sick on and off, and though I was just finally feeling completely well from my sickness earlier on, I now feel something new coming on - this will be a really important prayer for us during outreach with the physical labour & emotional involvement we'll have in everything we do. 3) Fundraising for my outreach team. I am still needing a small portion of funds, and just about all of the rest of my team needs the majority of their funds for outreach. We also need living money for day-to-day expenses that don't necessarily fall under outreach expenses - which is my main need.

Thank you so much for your prayers, again!
I can't believe how fast time is going! I'll be blessed to be home again, but I am definitely blessed to be here and learn/experience the things that I am.
Love & Blessings,

your sisi,

Busisiwe :)

Kathryn, Mphumelelo & Siboniso on the porch of our home.

Susannah, Me, Andrea & Hlengiwe (Nini) at the Highschool Dance Competitions